Three Types of Friends
Nearly ten years ago, I received some valuable advice on the type of friends you should have and how to treat friends that hurt you. Since receiving this advice, I have lost touch with this very knowledgeable brother and friend. I pray that wherever you are, you are doing well inshAllah. I also tried my best to track down the source material for this writing and I could not find it 1:1 in the english language… so I can only conclude that this brother wrote all of this on his own just for me. The problem of friends and who deserves friendship is timeless. I share this every couple of years on social media but I think it’s fitting that it should be published here.
“Aslmalkm…, Br. Samir!
The idea of Categorizing contacts into three levels is suggested by ibn al-Jouzi in his great Book of admonitions entitled “Syhdul Khaatir,” which means, “The Mind’s Log.” “The Mind’s Log” is a collection of enlightened ideas that roamed through the thinking of ibn-al-Jouzi pertaining to man’s attitude and behavior, which ibn-al-Jouzi attained to through his fixed knowledge of the DEEN and the incidences he experienced in life.
However, ibn-Jouzi expressed that there are three types or levels of contacts: 1) those we know of, 2) those we’re friends with, and 3) those like brothers. As for those like brothers, ibn-Jouzi said that this type of contacts existed once back in time. I guess ibn- al-Jouzi is referring to the best three generations of Salaf, as confirmed in a Hadeeth. Yet, he said that if you have one contact on that level of brother-hood, then indeed, you have been given a lot; and, if you have two, the proper respond from you should be falling down in prostration to Allaah (SWT) thanking him for it.
As for the second type (those we’re friends with), ibn-al-Jouzi said they’re the ones that we hang around with every now and then; and, at times, we may invite one another over for a meal. This type of contacts are minority in number, and you can’t really count on them should you ever needed them. I personally call them “The Friends of Ease,” because chances are they’ll always be within reach during ease; and when it gets tough, they tend to vanish away and disappear, and transform into something out of sight.
As for the first type (those we know of), on the other hand, as far as I can remember, ibn al-Jouzi expressed that they’re the ones we recognize by face or know by name; and whenever we encounter them, we say Salaam to each other. The majority of our contacts are of this type. Referring to this type of contacts and the type of those we’re friends with, Ash-Shaafi’e said it best in one of his poetry; he said, and I closely translate: “How many the friends are if you would to count them! Except that they surely are minority during difficult times!”
Categorizing contacts into the three types, ibn al-Jouzi reminds that no matter what happens, not to express disapproval and disappointment of any contact permanently by breaking up with that contact totally, because this will obviously create ill-feelings in the heart of the cut-off contact. Ibn al-Jouzi’s attitude on the issue has to do with the fact that resentments are not to be trusted, and by abandoning a contact, one becomes vulnerable to being plotted out by such a cut-off contact.
Accordingly, ibn al-Jouzi advises when dealing with any of the three type of contacts, one should use the upgrading — low-grading method. For example, if “a brother-like contact” disappointed you, simply downgrade him into the lower level of “those you’re friends with;” and after being downgraded, if he amends, then upgrade him to the level of being “a brother-like friend” again. The purpose of this method is not to cut-off any of the three types of contacts totally to secure one’ self from being plotted by the cut-off contact. If, however, the lowest level of “those contacts we know,” mistreat us, they’re already at a level of no significance; thus we just leave them there.
I hope you find this easy to comprehend. Was-Salaam…!”
